travel – The Yankee Privateer

There is nothing more irritating to me than the near complete disappearance of anything even resembling values and acceptable public behavior norms. I will admit, I am online way too much. I am just as addicted to my smart phone as the next person, and I probably have a skewed view of society writ large due to my time on social media. That being said, social media has become a market, and the most influential influencers are a clear gauge of where we are headed as a society as they are just giving the audience what it wants. Can’t really fault them for it any more than we can fault sports contracts that reach astronomical levels. If people are willing to buy the tickets and the jerseys, then the people are largely to blame. Same can be said for clicks, likes and subscriptions. The only way to turn the tide, is to be more vocal about how idiotic a lot of these people are. I am starting to see some of that. The comment sections on a lot of these accounts are pure gold, as I am clearly not the only one tired of watching Idiocracy play out in real-life in real-time.

There is a guy out there who makes videos where all he does is go to stadiums and talk smack to the home fans dressed up as a fan of the team they are playing that day. I admit, it is sometimes pretty amusing because tuned up sports fans with liquid courage can be rather goofy. That being said, the premise of each video is basically “watch me talk shit.” Ok. It get’s old quick. I submit, that if he didn’t have a camera on filming the entire thing, he’d probably be in an iron lung right now as again, alcohol and sports can lead to a rise in emotions that can lead people to do some pretty reckless stuff. He has an air-tight business model as long as stadiums sell booze and people tailgate. If everyone he encountered asked him, “so what is your plan B after this gets played out?” instead of just screaming at him about the game, he’d eventually have to stop. That would be fantastic. That is what I mean about radical sophistication. We need to become etiquette zealots. Society desperately needs it.

There are a lot of couples on social media who do cutesy little skits about married life, raising kids or generally just living with a significant other. Here’s the thing; nearly all of their videos follow the exact same scripts. Which can be broken down to this basic framework:

We are young and relatively attractive (some of us)
*everytime I get out of the shower my husband be like*
LOL we are so nutty
*sigh* happy wife happy life!
*sigh* man, my husband is stupid but oh welllllssssiiiieeeesssss
OMG we are basically like rabbits if ya catch my drift winkwinkwinkwinkwinkwinkwink
MY KIDS TOTES NEVER EAT THEIR DIN DIN!!!! Lollerskates, I guess it’s another nuggie night!

We get it, your marriage and family lives are unfulfilling, so you require the adulation of strangers to validate you. It’s actually profoundly sad. These people are making money though, so I guess they have found their racket. Admirable, I suppose. However, if the most interesting thing about you is an exaggerated, cartoonish glimpse into your home life, then I can’t wait to read the books your kids write about you. Ignore these people. They are the same ones who show up to parties with chilled champagne. Nice gift that they firmly intend on partaking in. Awful.

Mukbang sounds like a kind of anime. So, immediately I am inclined to be revolted, but it is actually much worse. It is people eating in their cars and talking about it. Some of these slugs actually enhance the sound of their chewing. I can’t understand that. Who in their right minds wants to hear every moment of someone else chewing their food? Anyway, most of these people give quick reviews and then a numerical score seemingly based on the One Bite pizza scale. Not for nothing, but all of these reviewers owe Dave Portnoy royalties for their videos considering he popularized the food review video genre. The problem with a lot of these videos, is that the person giving the review is just some dork sitting in a car. It is not like we are talking about trained chefs, food reviewers etc. They are just regular folks. Which, I am guessing is what they are playing off of to lend their reviews some sort of weight. Just a regular-ass dude, ya know? Nothin’ fancy! Great so then why the fuck am I paying attention to you? I can eat nachos also. It’s not a skill, Skeeter. If your math professor told you that they had no formal training in teaching or in mathematics but that they’re “just an honest, regular person who adds and subtracts from time to time” you would have gotten up and walked out. I hate to say this as well, but it is just a matter of time before one of these people either nearly or fully chokes to death on camera. Eating alone in a car isn’t the most dangerous thing in the world to do, but it is not without its risks and frankly, I don’t want to see any of these people get hurt even if they annoy me. Next time you see someone filming themselves eating in their car, employ radical sophistication. Knock on their window and ask them if they are ok. When they tell you that they’re just filming a video… let them know how many people die of choking each year and that they ought to be careful. Maybe it will lead them to a re-evaluation of self. Being polite and spreading life-saving information is the pinnacle of sophistication.

The crown jewel of the downward trajectory of society, however? Italian American stereotype influencers. I have Italian friends. These clowns have done more to hurt Italian Americans than all of the over-the-top mob movies and hatred of Christopher Columbus combined. Again, I have some good friends who are Italian, and their take is a lot less vitriolic than mine. Possibly because they are closet fans, but to hear them tell it, it is because they know better than to pay attention. Still, they deserve better. Can you imagine the absolute rage that would take you over if you were standing in line at a bank and heard that “ha ya dunnnnnn” line behind you? Not sure it wouldn’t lead to fisticuffs. Radical sophistication would dictate that these people ought to be met with societal ostracization. It should be an act of Congress. Interacting with them in any way should be met with a significant fine and possible jail time. Is St. Helena still available for exile? If not, can we make it so?

Fight fire with water and fight classlessness with biting satire and spite. Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

That is the title of the article / list that I am posting here. I came across this today and figured the list would be filled with a bunch of arcane, worthless and largely bewildering things that I had never seen or heard of before. As is pretty standard these days, I was led into a spiral of despair after reading it. Despair not because the list is so innocuous and bland, but because the author thought that these displays of etiquette are either confusing or problematic. Which means that they are drawing from a larger mindset of what is or isn’t acceptable anymore. Which means that society, moving forward, is largely screwed. Ready for this list? I wasn’t.

1. Never Wear White After Labor Day
I don’t get this one. It’s actually pretty silly so sure, it can go on the list. So far so good, list!

2. Addressing Someone by Their Title and Last Name
Yeah, it’s called not being a slimeball. How the hell does this “confuse” people today? What’s wrong with you guys?

3. Men Always Open the Door for Women
As they damn well should. Opening a door for a woman isn’t a man saying “let me get that for ya, sweetie. We all know your hollow bird bones and spaghetti muscles can’t manage this screen door so let a pro handle this one, hot lips.” You know what it is saying though? “Here, let me get that for you because I am not a total piece of shit, and I want to be nice.” What a bastard, right?

4. No Talking about Money, Religion or Politics in Public
Unfortunately, 2020’s America requires we talk about these things in public so we can ensure that our waiters and waitresses don’t pee in our coffee. After all, how would you know who to make a voodoo doll for if you don’t know who they’ve voted for in the past five elections?

5. No Hats Indoors
Take your hat off, you overgrown toddler. Adult males who wear hats indoors are the dregs of society. If you are wearing it at home, backwards, sidewards or frontwards, you are telling your family that you value your shared living space as much as you value a bus stop. If you wear it in a restaurant, you’re just a slug. “Who cares lol”. We do, skeezix, we do. The people who don’t have origin stories either involving fetal-alcohol syndrome or fathers who used to call us by the wrong name.

6. Ladies Should Never Pay the Bill
Meh. I got dumped once a week after I suggested to my then girlfriend that we start “going dutch” on dates. In my defense, it was like month four of the relationship. In retrospect, I would have not done anything differently as hanging out with her was about as exciting and fulfilling as buying toothpaste.

7. Only the Host Serves Food at a Dinner Party
Really? That was a thing? K. Yeah, this one is dumb so no complaints here.

8. Don’t Speak Unless Spoken To
I guess this one used to be reserved for kids and women. I have kids and my wife is a woman, so this is a no-go in my house and again, this one is dumb so it can go on the list.

9. Writing a Thank You Note for Everything
Years ago, someone told me the reason why there are no orgies at country clubs is because there’d be too many thank you notes. That made me chuckle. Because it’s true. Anyway, I think thank you notes are appropriate. That being said, my wife and I never sent one out after our wedding which was in extremely poor taste but we were in the middle of a housing crisis and were a bit distracted. Still, if anyone reading this was at my wedding… sorry and thanks!

10. Never Call Before Noon on Sundays
Love this one. I would like to amend it however and suggest the no-call time should be expanded to the entire day, weekend and week. Text or bust.

11. No Talking at the Dinner Table
Huh? How can you let your fellow dinner guests know about your impending indictment or the meth lab you are thinking of starting if you aren’t allowed to talk? Stupid. This can stay on the list.

12. You Must RSVP to Every Invitation
Well, I mean it’s called not being an asshole. The fact that the author or anyone for that matter, would find this rule confusing is downright disheartening.

13. Offering Your Seat to an Elder
SOOOOOO confusing. Why should I give up my seat that I earned by getting on the train .8 seconds earlier than the Korean War veteran with two wooden legs, a wooden arm and two wooden eyes? What the hell has this chump done to deserve my seat? What is that on his arm, a parrot? Lol, loser. (The veteran was a pirate.)

14. Don’t Use Your First Name Until Invited
I think the author meant don’t use other people’s first names until invited to do so. That makes much more sense. Think about it.
“Hi, I am doctor Murphy”
Oh please, doctor, you may use your first name.
“Oh thank you, my liege. In that case, you may call me Plorvis.”

15. Don’t Discuss Personal Problems in Public
Considering that how fucked up you are is counted as social currency in the modern western world, I can see how this rule may be cloying for someone who professionally writes lists for msn.com.

16. Don’t Interrupt People
Read that one again. Again. Take a few seconds and read it again. Not interrupting people is considered confusing by some folks apparently. Everything about today makes sense if you analyze why not interrupting people is considered foreign in the modern world.

17. Always Stand When a Woman Enters the Room
Ok, I get that this might seem pretty antiquated. But that doesn’t mean that it is bad. It is a show of respect. You’d think that 3rd and 4th wave feminism would be all over this one considering that if men don’t recognize a woman for being a woman within a nanosecond of coming into contact with one, the man should be chemically castrated and thrown off a bridge. But then again, what is a woman? Let’s leave this one alone for now.

18. Send Flowers to the Sick or Grieving Family
I am guessing that back in the day the smell of fresh flowers was more utilitarian than ornamental in the home of a sick person or a stiff. Before Febreeze and before formaldehyde, folks were pretty ripe when they got sick and eventually plotzed. Flowers are pretty. Death isn’t. Neither is typhoid. Let’s leave this one in the past as flowers are expensive and when people send them to us, we have to figure out if they’ll kill our pets if digested and frankly, we’d rather have an Edible Arrangement.

19. You Must Always Wait for the Host to Start Eating
I like this one too! Why are all gestures of respect being left in the dust? Why has the western world decided that emulating the Huns is the most noble way to advance the society? (I am sure the Huns probably had etiquette, etc. but I don’t care so save it!)

20. Offering to Help With the Dishes
With the advent and commonality of dishwashers, I can see why this would seem odd. However, I do not think the custom ought to be totally abandoned. Why not just turn this into always making sure to ask if “there is anything you can do to help” after a meal is complete? Any host that wasn’t raised by the Whittakers will kindly decline the offer. This is yet another little slice of respect that apparently raises eyebrows. Which is sad.

21. Always be Punctual
Gonna let the author’s words speak for themselves here.
This particular etiquette rule poses a greater problem for some than it does for others. Some people simply can’t seem to arrive on time wherever they’re expected, but did you know that society used to consider this practice a rude one?
USED to consider this rude. Used to. You can be a perpetually late sluggard these days and it is the people who are put off by your inability to show up to a place on time who are wrong. Excellent. That’s just great.

Can’t wait for next week’s list; “Boujee, Much? 10 Reasons Why Washing Your Clothes is Problematic”