It is that time of year again. The leaves are a vibrant rainbow of different shades of one color; orange. It is colder and it gets darker earlier. People are decorating their houses to look spooky. Pumpkins, which are basically fat weeds, are being sold for a dollar a pound. Girls are all wearing the exact same thing; leggings, boots, flannel shirts and Patagonia vests. All grasping their pumpkin spice lattes. Could it be? Yes, t’is. Halloween-tide is upon us and I hope you are all as excited as I. This time of year reminds me that it is only a few short months until Christmas and only a few short weeks until Thanksgiving. A real holiday. Children, I am a Halloween curmudgeon. But not nearly as bad as some other clowns.

I do not care for the holiday. I don’t dislike it. I just don’t go as batty for it as most. But recently, I have become more passionate about it because it seems to be a holiday where we decide to argue about what is appropriate. As in; what is the age limit for trick or treating? Should we postpone it when the weather is bad? Questions like that. Because, why not? In American today you can’t blow your nose without some asshole having an opinion on your technique, volume level and choice of tissue. When I was a child, I adored it. Free candy and the excuse to dress up as some sort of weirdo made me leap with glee at the first fall of a dead leaf. Now, not so much. Want some reasons why? Of course you do.

1. Adults Who Are Too Into It: You guys, and you know who you are, are the biggest reason why I have no interest whatsoever in going all out. What a turn off. Blech. Grow up and don’t drag me into your bizarro Peter Pan complex. I am having a hard enough time navigating this wild thing called life on this crazy blue marble. No, I am not going to try to hang on to being 10 for one night a year for the rest of my life. When it bleeds into work, that’s when the fireworks really start to pop. I have explained politely at every single job that I have ever had that I did not intend to dress up for halloween and while it was fine that the staff had come up with a theme and that I might be the fly in the ointment that ruins it, I care/d very little. Trust me, I have ruined a lot of things before, this ain’t my first rodeo so no I won’t be dressing up as a cowboy.
2. My Neighborhood: Three short years ago I lived in a neighborhood that was DRENCHED with children by 5:45 on Halloween. We would go through at least 5 or 6 bags of candy by 7 o’clock. Lot’s of little ones dressed up as bunnies and witches and shit. It was cute and I honestly loved handing out the candy. But NOW… ugh. NO one trick or treats on my road. Probably because it is, I suppose, a main artery in my town and therefore a little too busy to simply tramp up and down in the dark. It is also a hill and adults are lazy. The kids will run up and down the hill all night but with Mom and Dad in tow, that option goes down the drain. So the one joy that I had pertaining to the holiday was destroyed when we moved.
3. Childless Adults With Robust Opinions: Don’t have kids? That’s ok no one says you have to have kids. But not having children and having a slew of opinions on how a holiday that is clearly geared towards children should be handled is just a bad look. Do you think you have a stake in the game simply because you hand out candy or used to go trick or treating? News flash, Skeezix; you don’t. Sorry, but no one cares if you think kids should be forced to either forego a holiday they wait for all year, one that they only have a limited time to participate in for that matter, or walk in a monsoon, blizzard or hurricane. So save it. Some people are unable to have children and I appreciate how difficult that must be. But this holiday isn’t about saving their feelings. It is about those of us that have kids. Sorry, not sorry. So stop shitting on our party just because you weren’t invited.
4. Taking My Kids Trick or Treating: I actually like this one. But see #2. It means having to drive to a destination to trick or treat like someone from the hinterlands of (insert name of some oggyboo state).
5. The Kids That Phone It In: It never failed. In the sea of kids flooding our porch there would inevitably be a group of teenagers not even trying to wear a costume. You know the ones. Dark hoodie, jeans and Scream mask. Most of the time the mast was up on their heads anyway. I guess it’s too much to actually wear the damn mask. This outfit gets you shot multiple times in my old city on any other night of the year, but I digress. I never give these guys a hard time. Most kids who are willing to walk around for free candy well into their teens without the decency of at least wearing a costume are capable of egging your house, your car or you. Why bother? These kids are clearly the products of broken homes, drugs, fetal-alcohol syndrome severe depression and assholism. Basically, future lawyers. So why screw with someone who can sue you down the line?
6. Ghosts Are SUPER Active: I don’t know about you, but I only truly fear two things: bugs and my own grim death. Ghosts use Halloween to pull off some serious supernatural chicanery. This reminds me of my own mortality and the fact that one day it will be ME moving keys, spooking the cat at 2 in the morning, and going “mOOOoooOoooOOOAaaaahhhHHHhHH” in the attic. It’s almost like they know it’s Halloween and they drink a ton of coffee and really put on the “act”. If you don’t believe me, check out any haunted graveyard or house. They will straight up SPOOK YOUR ASS. Then you’ll come crying to me and I’ll be all like… told you so.
7. The Monster Mash: that song is so stupid.
8. The Food: Or lack there of. Any decent holiday has a traditional meal attached to it. Tgivs has tukey and stuffin’ – Christmas has… turkey and stuffin’ – 4th of July has burgers and dogs – Easter has ham and St. Paddy’s has coyote and cabbage. What does Halloween have? Bupkis! We used to get pizza just because it was easier than having a knife and forker while periodically running to the door to dole out the candy. Pizza is not a traditional meal nor should it ever be. Pizza is what Italians turn to everytime they are asked about their contributions to western culture and realize that aside from the Roman empire and organized crime the cupboard is pretty bare. However, it is DELICIOUS so it is an acceptable meal on Halloween. Just don’t go crazy and make it an every year thing.
9. Aliens: So underrepresented on Halloween. What is scarier? A mummy hanging out with a Frankenstein or waking up one night on the examination table of a spacecraft with a bunch of guys frantically probing you? ‘Nuff said. I think we need to celebrate our alien brethren and sistren on Halloween not just warlocks and werewolves. I for one am no longer happy with sitting idly by while aliens are given the shaft. Which, ironically, is what they want to do to us. Maybe forget this one. They are basically intergalactic rapists. Yeah. Screw ’em.

Happy Halloween to you all.