Social Media

Radical Sophistication

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There is nothing more irritating to me than the near complete disappearance of anything even resembling values and acceptable public behavior norms. I will admit, I am online way too much. I am just as addicted to my smart phone as the next person, and I probably have a skewed view of society writ large due to my time on social media. That being said, social media has become a market, and the most influential influencers are a clear gauge of where we are headed as a society as they are just giving the audience what it wants. Can’t really fault them for it any more than we can fault sports contracts that reach astronomical levels. If people are willing to buy the tickets and the jerseys, then the people are largely to blame. Same can be said for clicks, likes and subscriptions. The only way to turn the tide, is to be more vocal about how idiotic a lot of these people are. I am starting to see some of that. The comment sections on a lot of these accounts are pure gold, as I am clearly not the only one tired of watching Idiocracy play out in real-life in real-time.

There is a guy out there who makes videos where all he does is go to stadiums and talk smack to the home fans dressed up as a fan of the team they are playing that day. I admit, it is sometimes pretty amusing because tuned up sports fans with liquid courage can be rather goofy. That being said, the premise of each video is basically “watch me talk shit.” Ok. It get’s old quick. I submit, that if he didn’t have a camera on filming the entire thing, he’d probably be in an iron lung right now as again, alcohol and sports can lead to a rise in emotions that can lead people to do some pretty reckless stuff. He has an air-tight business model as long as stadiums sell booze and people tailgate. If everyone he encountered asked him, “so what is your plan B after this gets played out?” instead of just screaming at him about the game, he’d eventually have to stop. That would be fantastic. That is what I mean about radical sophistication. We need to become etiquette zealots. Society desperately needs it.

There are a lot of couples on social media who do cutesy little skits about married life, raising kids or generally just living with a significant other. Here’s the thing; nearly all of their videos follow the exact same scripts. Which can be broken down to this basic framework:

We are young and relatively attractive (some of us)
*everytime I get out of the shower my husband be like*
LOL we are so nutty
*sigh* happy wife happy life!
*sigh* man, my husband is stupid but oh welllllssssiiiieeeesssss
OMG we are basically like rabbits if ya catch my drift winkwinkwinkwinkwinkwinkwink
MY KIDS TOTES NEVER EAT THEIR DIN DIN!!!! Lollerskates, I guess it’s another nuggie night!

We get it, your marriage and family lives are unfulfilling, so you require the adulation of strangers to validate you. It’s actually profoundly sad. These people are making money though, so I guess they have found their racket. Admirable, I suppose. However, if the most interesting thing about you is an exaggerated, cartoonish glimpse into your home life, then I can’t wait to read the books your kids write about you. Ignore these people. They are the same ones who show up to parties with chilled champagne. Nice gift that they firmly intend on partaking in. Awful.

Mukbang sounds like a kind of anime. So, immediately I am inclined to be revolted, but it is actually much worse. It is people eating in their cars and talking about it. Some of these slugs actually enhance the sound of their chewing. I can’t understand that. Who in their right minds wants to hear every moment of someone else chewing their food? Anyway, most of these people give quick reviews and then a numerical score seemingly based on the One Bite pizza scale. Not for nothing, but all of these reviewers owe Dave Portnoy royalties for their videos considering he popularized the food review video genre. The problem with a lot of these videos, is that the person giving the review is just some dork sitting in a car. It is not like we are talking about trained chefs, food reviewers etc. They are just regular folks. Which, I am guessing is what they are playing off of to lend their reviews some sort of weight. Just a regular-ass dude, ya know? Nothin’ fancy! Great so then why the fuck am I paying attention to you? I can eat nachos also. It’s not a skill, Skeeter. If your math professor told you that they had no formal training in teaching or in mathematics but that they’re “just an honest, regular person who adds and subtracts from time to time” you would have gotten up and walked out. I hate to say this as well, but it is just a matter of time before one of these people either nearly or fully chokes to death on camera. Eating alone in a car isn’t the most dangerous thing in the world to do, but it is not without its risks and frankly, I don’t want to see any of these people get hurt even if they annoy me. Next time you see someone filming themselves eating in their car, employ radical sophistication. Knock on their window and ask them if they are ok. When they tell you that they’re just filming a video… let them know how many people die of choking each year and that they ought to be careful. Maybe it will lead them to a re-evaluation of self. Being polite and spreading life-saving information is the pinnacle of sophistication.

The crown jewel of the downward trajectory of society, however? Italian American stereotype influencers. I have Italian friends. These clowns have done more to hurt Italian Americans than all of the over-the-top mob movies and hatred of Christopher Columbus combined. Again, I have some good friends who are Italian, and their take is a lot less vitriolic than mine. Possibly because they are closet fans, but to hear them tell it, it is because they know better than to pay attention. Still, they deserve better. Can you imagine the absolute rage that would take you over if you were standing in line at a bank and heard that “ha ya dunnnnnn” line behind you? Not sure it wouldn’t lead to fisticuffs. Radical sophistication would dictate that these people ought to be met with societal ostracization. It should be an act of Congress. Interacting with them in any way should be met with a significant fine and possible jail time. Is St. Helena still available for exile? If not, can we make it so?

Fight fire with water and fight classlessness with biting satire and spite. Thanks for coming to my TED talk.


Radical Sophistication

Lol, Dude. It Literally Doesn’t Matter

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I am getting much more cantankerous in my middle age than I ever anticipated I would. My trajectory, if it is to hold, would put me somewhere between JK Simmon’s character in Whiplash and a rabid badger by the time I am 60. I am finding my ability to abide stupidity, hypocrisy and all the other seasonings of human society to be eroding at an alarming pace. One thing, above all, is really irking me since the election on Nov. 5th. I don’t know if the folks I am about to call out have an official title, but for the sake of this piece, I am going to call them fartweasels. Fartweasels, because their opinions and the saccharine, unbelievably lame takes that define their online existence are stinky. Weasels because why not. Who am I referring to? The most insufferable group of people in the American electorate; the middle-way folks. You know the type. The people who post memes and videos and blurbs about how both sides of the political aisle are in cahoots with each other. About how politics is all BS and it is a very small cadre of elites who actually run the proverbial “show” behind the scenes.

What’s the difference, man? Both the dems and republicans are full of shit. We are all screwed!

What unbelievably sage wisdom. I know this is forward, but can you light me on fire and then use the flames to light your cigar? That is how much lower on the intellectual totem pole I am than you. Actually, if you could pee on me to put out the flames, then I think we’d really have something here. Nostradamus, The Oracle at Delphi, Einstein, Aquinas… all mouth-breathing sludge donkeys compared to you. In fact, when you posted that status, I bet Thomas Payne, Abraham Lincoln, John Adams, etc. rose from their graves and started doing the Macarena. Alexis de Tocqueville cried with pride.

Or, shut up you absolute droog.

Who wakes up and decides to personify Switzerland? More to the point, who then decides to declare their lazy neutrality to the world in order to gain some sort of social currency? Dopes. That’s who. Most Americans are well-aware that our elected leaders couldn’t care less about us. It’s the people that think our legislators care about anything more than their own political ambitions are the ones that are scarily stupid. I will admit that at the local level, most elected folks are interested in actual practical change in their neighborhoods and larger communities. But these people are usually busybody types and who needs that. At the national level, every single politician is an awful scumbag. Even your favorite. Publicly acknowledging something we all know is infuriating. Breaking news: getting dehydrated can lead to a pretty nasty headache, so I don’t condone it.

Look, I loathe amateur activists. But the fact of the matter is that we now live in a culture and time, where everyone feels compelled to explain to their followers and friends on social media how they vote, what they eat, what they read and where they take a shit. So, I do understand why folks who aren’t all that interested in politics would find the middle-road, jaded teenager approach to elections and legislation to be appealing. It gives you a point of view without the added necessity of having skin in the game. You can thumb off all political questions with a rousing “who cares, dude”. But here is the thing: you could simply do that anyway without periodically broadcasting that you are a pupil of the Jeff Spicolian school of American political philosophy. Just ignore the question. Move on. It is a lesson we can all take at times. If we don’t have anything to say about something, there is no shame in saying simply that.

It is ok not to be an expert.

Lol, Dude. It Literally Doesn’t Matter

What a Boring Bunch of Dopes

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Is there anything worse than someone who turns every topic of discussion into something political? I submit that there are many, many things worse. Attacks by swarms of fire ants, having to endure a laborious lecture on why Taylor Swift is important in today’s world, buttercream frosting… these are just a few that come to mind. That being said, it is absolutely exhausting trying to navigate the nuances of everyday chit-chat these days. What ought to be innocuous piffle about the weather inevitably becomes an analysis of climate change as a byproduct of white supremacy and how the patriarchy is responsible for everything from volcanic eruptions to bad breath. So, why are we the way we are? More importantly perhaps, what can you do in order to stave off insanity for another day or two? Let’s see if I can help at all.

First off, the question of “how we got here” is sort of laughable. To think that we are worse off now than every other time in human existence is incredibly arrogant. Human beings have this innate desire to look at their own struggles, trials and tribulations as the worst in all of human history. Somehow, religious people demonstrating outside of abortion clinics has become worse than the ancestors of those folks hanging people for witchcraft. The irony is that if any of these perennially upset goobers ever actually read a book about history that wasn’t written by someone with more concern about commentary than context, they’d realize their ersatz sense of horror was well, ersatz. Do we argue a lot? Yes. Do we argue more? Probably. The rise of social media has created a landscape where we can argue about absolutely anything with strangers whenever we’d like. Now, you’d think that simply arguing with a stranger would be something most folks would like to avoid. But to the contrary, it has become so de rigueur for the socially conscious true believer, that it ought to have a spot in the Olympics. The reason for this, in my mind, is that our lives have become so soft, that the natural human desire for conflict, struggle and finding meaning in both are squirting out of our fingers and onto our screens in the form of half-researched gobbledy gook and snark. It is not rocket science. People, especially young people, are bored. They are bored because they are the first generation of young adults who had every single moment of their lives planned for them in advance. They were never allowed to scrape their knees because they were forced to wear knee and elbow pads to bed. People thrive on conflict. Many moons ago, the daily business of keeping yourself alive was all the conflict you needed. Now, we have refrigerators, HVAC, indoor plumbing, dollar menus and Tylenol. The life of a working-class person in the United States is ten times better than the life of a wealthy person in the United States 100 years ago. Humans have come a long way, but we are still essentially the same animal as we always have been, at least instinctively. Conflict now comes in the form of appropriated righteous indignation and an almost admirable sense of self-importance made manifest in poorly worded arguments, memes and pseudo-activism.

So, what do you do in order to maintain sanity? Ignore “them”. Ignore the always aggrieved of all political bends and stripes and if you can manage to avoid acknowledging their existence at all, even better. More than half of these folks are suffering from nearly fatal levels of Dunning Kruger delusions and the rest are usually super boring. I know that it is nearly impossible to ignore these types these days because they make it part of their “activism” (boy, do I use that term lightly) to make sure everyone knows how upset they are. But give it a shot anyway. If you can’t, simply agree and move on. Don’t engage with the intention of changing their minds. It is as pointless as telling someone they ought to listen to jazz instead of rock. These causes are fashion. They are performance art. Tell someone their favorite movie sucks and see how viscerally they react. It is the same principle. Causes now are much more about how they make the individual ally feel after the fact than about actually helping the people they purport to care about. Every generation needs its own fashion trend. This generation has chosen the downtrodden. Which would actually be wonderful if any of the incredible amount of energy expended on these causes did a damn thing to help anyone other than the protestor. Remember, marginalized folks, your disenfranchisement gives boring people a reason to get up in the morning and meaning in their lives. I guess they at least owe you for that. What to do about the ever-whiney? Feel sorry for them, say a prayer, flip a coin into a fountain, whatever floats your boat and then move on with your life. So, what if the lunatics end up running the asylum? Would you even really notice a difference?

What a Boring Bunch of Dopes

Two Years Later

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It has been two years and two days since I last posted on this blog. The last post was a detailed description of me running around my back yard dressed like an escaped mental patient for the benefit of my father’s trail camera. I suggest you read it as it is pretty funny if you like stories about morons doing moron stuff. In those two years, the trail camera has disappeared, most likely due to a lack of interest on my father’s part, my back yard has become laden with toys and I am still an undiagnosed mental defective.

Have I missed this blog? Yeah, kinda if I am being honest. I miss posting things. I like when someone says, “that was funny” or “that was interesting.” I am a simple man. I like when people like me. Which brings me to the meat and potatoes of this post: people either love me or hate me and the ratio isn’t particularly close. It leans heavily towards hate.

There are plenty of reasons to dislike me. Perhaps it is the fact that I am outspoken in my calling out of people’s irksome natures. Could be that in any argument, I tend to go for the jugular by the second statement. Possibly that I am a lot taller than most folks and I find that little fellas and little fellettes tend to be rather ornery. Listen, spokesperson for the Lollipop Guild, get mad at God for making your diminutive. It is not my fault that you’ve never heard the words, “hey can you move over? I can’t see over your head.” Also, it isn’t all easy going for the tall. For instance, I don’t think I could ever comfortably drive an Aston Martin. Think about that for a second. That is pretty rough.

I am guessing it isn’t my height or my acid tongue which tends to drive the masses away from me. Neither is it my odor. I take pride on not walking around with a miasma of plague-like funk emanating from my pores and clothes. Nay, dear reader. It has to be one thing and one thing only: my disdain for the idea of laying low. Let me explain. First off, I have mellowed greatly since I became a dad. I am too busy to go ten rounds with either friend or foe on the interwebs. Secondly, I have learned the great truth that arguing with someone rarely ever changes their mind. It is more like two fighters just trying to bloody the other’s nose before the bell rings to sound the end of a round. Sort of a waste of time, really. Lastly, when I do post or say something, I do not care what someone’s reaction may be. Not that I am completely misanthropic but the idea of people having to keep quiet as to not step on the proverbial toes of someone else is a new concept in modern society and one that I really don’t care for. Let me expand on that.

In the past people could navigate the relatively choppy waters of social interaction by simply avoiding certain topics of conversation. Remember the old, “no politics, no religion” agreement? Well that has well and truly gone out the window. It used to be that personal opinions about basically anything were kept in the home. When in social situations, “hot takes” were to be avoided because after all everyone had gathered for the purpose of enjoying themselves, not listening to someone’s laborious treatise on any given subject. Today, we spend much more time online then we do in social situations. In fact, due to covid, for the past couple years a lot of people have spent more time online maintaining a virtual profile than they have living in the world and maintaining a real life profile. So the rules have changed and now I know what basically everyone I am connected with on social media feels about basically everything. The problem is, I neve wanted to know any of this stuff. Now, I could simply scroll by and ignore which is what a lot of folks do in order to maintain their sanity but I have never claimed to be sane in the first place so I tend to dig.

In conclusion; big mouths including myself will always be loathed. The heat in which the loathing exists will be especially warm if what you are saying makes sense. People are incapable of admitting that any opinion other than their own is even worthy of examination. Of course you didn’t ask for my opinion but I didn’t ask for yours either. I am just playing by the rules that are constantly changing as we go. Cyber life today is one never ending game of Calvinball. Therefore, if me defending / attacking / criticizing / praising something or someone offends you; cool. Please let me know. I’m serious. I will listen to what you have to say, respond, and then continue living my life in the manner I so choose, saying whatever I’d like. It is not because I don’t love / respect / admire you. It is because this is Thunderdome. This is the world that we have collectively created. I am just trying to survive as are you. However, in the words of the poet E.E. Cummings in “I Sing of Olaf Glad and Big” … “there is some shit I will not eat.”

Two Years Later

Snapchat Pulpit

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It’s easy to decry the mind-numbing and temperament changing cons of social media as the downfall of modern discourse. I laid out my indictment here. However, there is another by-product of our desire for instant gratification in the ersatz worlds we construct online. Namely; the decline in numbers of people who identify as church-goers / religious.

Think about it. The life of a faithful person is filled with, or should be filled with; introspection, quiet moments, moments where they embrace suffering as a means to foster a deeper relationship with God, moments of pure charity and moments of either sorrowful or joyful prayer. All of these moments, while fundamentally similar in their goals theologically, are vastly different practically. The singular truth in commonality which binds them is time. These things take time. And let’s be honest, the payoff for these actions and moments while sometimes incredibly fulfilling and transcendent can often times leave much to be desired. That is when faith is supposed to take over to remind the believer that it is not the rewards they receive in this life which are to be coveted and sanctified in their own minds. Rather, it is what awaits us in Heaven which is to be sought after and fought for. This may seem easy enough to understand but it is a different story altogether when put into practice by a generation of people who are used to instant gratification.

The internet is not evil. It is not a tool of the devil. On the contrary, the internet, and its readily available resources are a gift for modern people wishing to learn, connect and discover a myriad of things they would not have had access to 25 years ago is truly fantastic. But like any other society-changing bombshell inventions, there are unwanted and unforeseen societal changes which accompany them. In this case, it is the complete loss of anything even resembling patience. When we condition our brains to getting used to having instant answers, affirmation and entertainment anything else which we have to wait a lifetime for becomes a goal to worry about only when we have reached an age where the technology has passed us by. We will worry about Heaven when we don’t know how to use our devices anymore. When our grandkids have to show us how to use the Christmas presents they purchase us as a photo-op novelty. “Check out grandpa and his new Ipad25! He’s so cute and so stupid<3”. 

A generation of people are growing up never having to wait for anything, really. And when they are forced to be patient, they reach for their devices like a frustrated Poe reaching for laudanum. It is no great shock that people are unwilling to sit in a church for an hour let alone wait a lifetime to receive an award. For this reason, not only does the global Christian community suffer, but the world as a whole also suffers. The world needs Christians. The major problem now; is that Christians seem to need the world more than they need their Lord.

J. M.

Snapchat Pulpit