List – The Yankee Privateer

That is the title of the article / list that I am posting here. I came across this today and figured the list would be filled with a bunch of arcane, worthless and largely bewildering things that I had never seen or heard of before. As is pretty standard these days, I was led into a spiral of despair after reading it. Despair not because the list is so innocuous and bland, but because the author thought that these displays of etiquette are either confusing or problematic. Which means that they are drawing from a larger mindset of what is or isn’t acceptable anymore. Which means that society, moving forward, is largely screwed. Ready for this list? I wasn’t.

1. Never Wear White After Labor Day
I don’t get this one. It’s actually pretty silly so sure, it can go on the list. So far so good, list!

2. Addressing Someone by Their Title and Last Name
Yeah, it’s called not being a slimeball. How the hell does this “confuse” people today? What’s wrong with you guys?

3. Men Always Open the Door for Women
As they damn well should. Opening a door for a woman isn’t a man saying “let me get that for ya, sweetie. We all know your hollow bird bones and spaghetti muscles can’t manage this screen door so let a pro handle this one, hot lips.” You know what it is saying though? “Here, let me get that for you because I am not a total piece of shit, and I want to be nice.” What a bastard, right?

4. No Talking about Money, Religion or Politics in Public
Unfortunately, 2020’s America requires we talk about these things in public so we can ensure that our waiters and waitresses don’t pee in our coffee. After all, how would you know who to make a voodoo doll for if you don’t know who they’ve voted for in the past five elections?

5. No Hats Indoors
Take your hat off, you overgrown toddler. Adult males who wear hats indoors are the dregs of society. If you are wearing it at home, backwards, sidewards or frontwards, you are telling your family that you value your shared living space as much as you value a bus stop. If you wear it in a restaurant, you’re just a slug. “Who cares lol”. We do, skeezix, we do. The people who don’t have origin stories either involving fetal-alcohol syndrome or fathers who used to call us by the wrong name.

6. Ladies Should Never Pay the Bill
Meh. I got dumped once a week after I suggested to my then girlfriend that we start “going dutch” on dates. In my defense, it was like month four of the relationship. In retrospect, I would have not done anything differently as hanging out with her was about as exciting and fulfilling as buying toothpaste.

7. Only the Host Serves Food at a Dinner Party
Really? That was a thing? K. Yeah, this one is dumb so no complaints here.

8. Don’t Speak Unless Spoken To
I guess this one used to be reserved for kids and women. I have kids and my wife is a woman, so this is a no-go in my house and again, this one is dumb so it can go on the list.

9. Writing a Thank You Note for Everything
Years ago, someone told me the reason why there are no orgies at country clubs is because there’d be too many thank you notes. That made me chuckle. Because it’s true. Anyway, I think thank you notes are appropriate. That being said, my wife and I never sent one out after our wedding which was in extremely poor taste but we were in the middle of a housing crisis and were a bit distracted. Still, if anyone reading this was at my wedding… sorry and thanks!

10. Never Call Before Noon on Sundays
Love this one. I would like to amend it however and suggest the no-call time should be expanded to the entire day, weekend and week. Text or bust.

11. No Talking at the Dinner Table
Huh? How can you let your fellow dinner guests know about your impending indictment or the meth lab you are thinking of starting if you aren’t allowed to talk? Stupid. This can stay on the list.

12. You Must RSVP to Every Invitation
Well, I mean it’s called not being an asshole. The fact that the author or anyone for that matter, would find this rule confusing is downright disheartening.

13. Offering Your Seat to an Elder
SOOOOOO confusing. Why should I give up my seat that I earned by getting on the train .8 seconds earlier than the Korean War veteran with two wooden legs, a wooden arm and two wooden eyes? What the hell has this chump done to deserve my seat? What is that on his arm, a parrot? Lol, loser. (The veteran was a pirate.)

14. Don’t Use Your First Name Until Invited
I think the author meant don’t use other people’s first names until invited to do so. That makes much more sense. Think about it.
“Hi, I am doctor Murphy”
Oh please, doctor, you may use your first name.
“Oh thank you, my liege. In that case, you may call me Plorvis.”

15. Don’t Discuss Personal Problems in Public
Considering that how fucked up you are is counted as social currency in the modern western world, I can see how this rule may be cloying for someone who professionally writes lists for msn.com.

16. Don’t Interrupt People
Read that one again. Again. Take a few seconds and read it again. Not interrupting people is considered confusing by some folks apparently. Everything about today makes sense if you analyze why not interrupting people is considered foreign in the modern world.

17. Always Stand When a Woman Enters the Room
Ok, I get that this might seem pretty antiquated. But that doesn’t mean that it is bad. It is a show of respect. You’d think that 3rd and 4th wave feminism would be all over this one considering that if men don’t recognize a woman for being a woman within a nanosecond of coming into contact with one, the man should be chemically castrated and thrown off a bridge. But then again, what is a woman? Let’s leave this one alone for now.

18. Send Flowers to the Sick or Grieving Family
I am guessing that back in the day the smell of fresh flowers was more utilitarian than ornamental in the home of a sick person or a stiff. Before Febreeze and before formaldehyde, folks were pretty ripe when they got sick and eventually plotzed. Flowers are pretty. Death isn’t. Neither is typhoid. Let’s leave this one in the past as flowers are expensive and when people send them to us, we have to figure out if they’ll kill our pets if digested and frankly, we’d rather have an Edible Arrangement.

19. You Must Always Wait for the Host to Start Eating
I like this one too! Why are all gestures of respect being left in the dust? Why has the western world decided that emulating the Huns is the most noble way to advance the society? (I am sure the Huns probably had etiquette, etc. but I don’t care so save it!)

20. Offering to Help With the Dishes
With the advent and commonality of dishwashers, I can see why this would seem odd. However, I do not think the custom ought to be totally abandoned. Why not just turn this into always making sure to ask if “there is anything you can do to help” after a meal is complete? Any host that wasn’t raised by the Whittakers will kindly decline the offer. This is yet another little slice of respect that apparently raises eyebrows. Which is sad.

21. Always be Punctual
Gonna let the author’s words speak for themselves here.
This particular etiquette rule poses a greater problem for some than it does for others. Some people simply can’t seem to arrive on time wherever they’re expected, but did you know that society used to consider this practice a rude one?
USED to consider this rude. Used to. You can be a perpetually late sluggard these days and it is the people who are put off by your inability to show up to a place on time who are wrong. Excellent. That’s just great.

Can’t wait for next week’s list; “Boujee, Much? 10 Reasons Why Washing Your Clothes is Problematic”

As Spring rolls on and nears its completion ushering in another Summer, I think it is important to stop and smell the flowers. To enjoy the sounds of nature, the birds singing, the bugs buzzing and clicking etc. etc. To look forward to extended sunshine and warmth and to feel alive again. I add that last part because even in mild weather, the Winters in New England are soul crushingly depressing. Skiing, snow, arctic blasts, snowmen, snowball fights, hot cider by the fire, hearty meals that stick to your ribs, short days and long nights, a silent landscape. All a pail of hot garbage juice. Blech. Springtime is no barrel of laughs either frankly but at least you know Summer is coming so it doesn’t completely stink.

Let us go over some of the trappings and effluvia of Spring that I can go without and some, that I simply cannot live without.

Allergies: I believe in God and am actually very fond of God. However, I think it shows God’s hand a bit in terms of how God thinks of us to put us on an Earth that when it begins to rejuvenate and regenerate itself also attempts to kill us. This is also an issue I have with environmentalism. Why are we trying to save the Earth? The Earth hates us. It constantly tries to kill us with storms, mudslides, wild-fires, tornadoes, cold snaps, heat waves, earthquakes, sinkholes, volcanoes, sharks, bears, mountain lions, snakes, bugs, weirdo fish, venomous frogs, wild dogs, stampeding buffalo, coyotes, wolves, tigers, lions, and a whole assortment of flowers, berries and leaves that cause itching, irritation, hallucinations, loss of bowel function and eventually death. Yes, even berries hate us to the point that they want us to shit ourselves to death. So, the Earth? I mean yeah don’t litter but screw it. Anyway, allergies are the worst. Waking up feeling like you have a mild flu every day until it gets hot enough to cook the pollen before it gets a chance to waft off of the trees is not a joy that I look forward to. Allergy medicine never works. Claritin, Zyrtec, you name it; they’re all band aids on bullet wounds when it comes to navigating the deep Spring. Every year they attack my respiratory system with an energy that would make a caffeinated hummingbird blush. I would sigh to say “woe is me” but I would probably start a coughing fit that would require Last Rites.
Birds: I usually don’t have a beef with birds, and I know I mentioned them in the beginning of this post, but let’s think about waking up a little later, whaddya say, fellas? The other morning, I got up because nature decided to call at an ungodly hour. After finishing my business and getting back into bed, I realized that at the tender hour of 4 am some little feathered beast and his friends had decided now was a great time for choir practice. It is pleasant and even rather lovely in the afternoon, while sitting outside reading or having a nice moment of quiet, reflective time. However, at that hour of the morning it is a downright act of violence to be that happy. The thing is they’re probably not that happy at all. They’re probably chirping to check to see who made it through another night without being eaten alive by something. They’re gathering the flock to desperately figure out where to find some free seeds or berries (the same ones that try to kill us are totally fine for birds, so again, thanks Earth!). They’re probably all having massive panic attacks at the thought of having to fly through another day without being attacked and eviscerated by hawks, owls, wind turbines and bored country folk with a lot of time on their hands and too many scatter guns. That being understood, it still sounds like they’re frolicking and telling inside jokes to one another about incredibly sweet little stories involving church mice and bits of discarded pound cake. At 4 AM, that chirping is about a welcome a sound as crying coming from what you thought was an empty attic. Birds… just cool it. At least until 6 AM. Deal?
The Schizophrenic Weather: There is an old saying in New England: “don’t like the weather? give it an hour”. That is probably the most accurate commentary on this region that exists today. The early Spring is a mix of snow, sleet, freezing rain, plain rain and moments requiring shorts and flip flops. The end of the Spring is a mix of warm to hot days, rain, sun, usually decently windy and of course, frost and freeze warnings. Nothing says, “I’m a Yankee!” like grilling during the day and drinking beer from a cooler only to get your wood stove going that night and having a nice cup of coffee to warm up. Sometimes we don’t even get a Spring. Sometimes it seems like there is permafrost up until Memorial Day and as soon as June hits, people’s shoes start melting to the pavement and cooling centers go up all over. Last year, my town’s Memorial Day parade was a massive hit. The weather was perfect, and the smell of charcoal grills filled the air. This year, it is (at least as of now) shaping up to be more of the same. However, I distinctly remember Memorial Days where it was too cold and wet to even muse over venturing outside for anything other than maybe picking up some takeout. Even that is a stretch.
Longer Days: This is a pure joy thing. I do not know a single person who prefers the length of the days in December to the length of the days in July. I have no idea why we even go back to standard time at the end of DLST. There is something so cringingly awful about getting up in the morning in the pitch black and then getting out of work in the afternoon and driving home in the pitch black. Longer days mean more time to enjoy being outdoors. It means more time to feel like you should be productive. Light is life and darkness is death. That is pretty heavy, I know. But face it, you know I am right. I don’t even like going to the movies because when the lights go down, I start to contemplate my own mortality. I start to wonder what movies they’ll have in the afterlife. Will there be a decent library of flicks, or will it be a perpetual Starz lineup? Then, inevitably, I start to panic and I scream. Then, as the ushers are attempting to forcefully remove me from the theater, I usually go limp, and they’ve figured they’ve accidentally killed me. Normally, I wake up but sometimes I go along with it and muse again about the entertainment in the netherworld. Will there be premium cable? Can I still watch the Yankees? It is usually around then I wake up in a strait jacket in a rubber room. But no, in all seriousness, it’s just nice to have natural light later into the day. I have found that folks who like when it gets dark early are usually introverts or depressives. I wish them Godspeed but as for me; let there be light.
GRILLING!: I all-capped and exclamation pointed this one because as a dad, grilling is one of those things that is synonymous with fatherhood. Not really sure why once you have children your next burning desire is to desire to burn some steaks from time to time, but it happens. All of you single boyos out there, just wait. Even if you like to grill now, wait until you have your first kid. You’ll wake up holding tongs and a spatula and you’ll have no idea how they got in your hands. Problem with grilling, is it’s actually not as versatile as you may think. You’ll find yourself loathing the idea of another piece of grilled chicken. But then you’ll remember that grilling offers you the chance to cook over an open flame and to have a few minutes of alone time before the madness of mealtime with children begins and then you’ll don your apron in a split second. Of course, grilling isn’t without its controversies. Are you a charcoal person? Gas? Pellet? Or you could be like me; and have charcoal, gas AND a smoker on your deck. The key to mastering all these different apparatuses is simple; hours of mind-numbing YouTube research followed by kissing a picture of Aaron Franklin and subsequently explaining to your wife why not all lump charcoal is the same and sometimes you have to spend a little more. Does the food actually taste any better? Sure. Why not. The secret around my house is this; I really dislike smoked food. Why do you want your food to taste like a brush fire? However, it seems like a fun thing to waste your time on, so I smoke stuff from time to time. Again, is the food any better than if I simply seasoned it well and roasted it? Probably not but my family doesn’t need to deal with a cranky daddy, so they pretend it’s good. Love them for that.
Clothes: My wife wears rompers, sundresses and assorted pretty girl clothes during the Summer. Good for me! I wear shorts, tee shirts and flip flops. Bad for the tri-state area. There is something so much nicer about navigating a day without 90 pounds of worsted wool, cotton and Gore-Tex weighing you down. I like getting home from work and throwing on whatever flotsam is hovering around the old dresser. I like having a farmer’s tan and I like the fact that for a couple months a year I look like I don’t live in a place where the weather is bleak enough to be the backdrop of a Scottish crime novel. But… There is a troubling trend in men’s fashion these days, however. For some reason, short shorts seem to be coming back into style for guys. This is a bad look. Think 70’s era basketball player bad look. No one wants to see some dude’s pasty, hairy thighs. I come from the generation where we thought shorts should essentially look like Milhouse Van Houten’s flood pants. Shorts should at least come down to the knee. They don’t have to completely cover them, but they should come down to the top of the knees. Any shorter than that and you look like you’re a French bicycle messenger. This isn’t a Wes Anderson movie, this is life. We don’t need your avant-garde aesthetic ruining an otherwise nice day at the park. Cover them up, gents.

There is a hell of a lot to like about the Spring and there is also some stuff to dislike. I think that if we spend more time outdoors and less time whining around the computer or cell phone, we will be a much more mellow and joyful people. But I mean let’s face it; what really matters is whatever we decide these days in a sense of self-righteous indignation anyway, amiright? So maybe just hit the snooze button on the whole damn season. Not me though. I’ll be the guy with the platter of mediocre brisket and shorts down to his ankles ready to greet you in and hand you a cold one.