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Radical Sophistication

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There is nothing more irritating to me than the near complete disappearance of anything even resembling values and acceptable public behavior norms. I will admit, I am online way too much. I am just as addicted to my smart phone as the next person, and I probably have a skewed view of society writ large due to my time on social media. That being said, social media has become a market, and the most influential influencers are a clear gauge of where we are headed as a society as they are just giving the audience what it wants. Can’t really fault them for it any more than we can fault sports contracts that reach astronomical levels. If people are willing to buy the tickets and the jerseys, then the people are largely to blame. Same can be said for clicks, likes and subscriptions. The only way to turn the tide, is to be more vocal about how idiotic a lot of these people are. I am starting to see some of that. The comment sections on a lot of these accounts are pure gold, as I am clearly not the only one tired of watching Idiocracy play out in real-life in real-time.

There is a guy out there who makes videos where all he does is go to stadiums and talk smack to the home fans dressed up as a fan of the team they are playing that day. I admit, it is sometimes pretty amusing because tuned up sports fans with liquid courage can be rather goofy. That being said, the premise of each video is basically “watch me talk shit.” Ok. It get’s old quick. I submit, that if he didn’t have a camera on filming the entire thing, he’d probably be in an iron lung right now as again, alcohol and sports can lead to a rise in emotions that can lead people to do some pretty reckless stuff. He has an air-tight business model as long as stadiums sell booze and people tailgate. If everyone he encountered asked him, “so what is your plan B after this gets played out?” instead of just screaming at him about the game, he’d eventually have to stop. That would be fantastic. That is what I mean about radical sophistication. We need to become etiquette zealots. Society desperately needs it.

There are a lot of couples on social media who do cutesy little skits about married life, raising kids or generally just living with a significant other. Here’s the thing; nearly all of their videos follow the exact same scripts. Which can be broken down to this basic framework:

We are young and relatively attractive (some of us)
*everytime I get out of the shower my husband be like*
LOL we are so nutty
*sigh* happy wife happy life!
*sigh* man, my husband is stupid but oh welllllssssiiiieeeesssss
OMG we are basically like rabbits if ya catch my drift winkwinkwinkwinkwinkwinkwink
MY KIDS TOTES NEVER EAT THEIR DIN DIN!!!! Lollerskates, I guess it’s another nuggie night!

We get it, your marriage and family lives are unfulfilling, so you require the adulation of strangers to validate you. It’s actually profoundly sad. These people are making money though, so I guess they have found their racket. Admirable, I suppose. However, if the most interesting thing about you is an exaggerated, cartoonish glimpse into your home life, then I can’t wait to read the books your kids write about you. Ignore these people. They are the same ones who show up to parties with chilled champagne. Nice gift that they firmly intend on partaking in. Awful.

Mukbang sounds like a kind of anime. So, immediately I am inclined to be revolted, but it is actually much worse. It is people eating in their cars and talking about it. Some of these slugs actually enhance the sound of their chewing. I can’t understand that. Who in their right minds wants to hear every moment of someone else chewing their food? Anyway, most of these people give quick reviews and then a numerical score seemingly based on the One Bite pizza scale. Not for nothing, but all of these reviewers owe Dave Portnoy royalties for their videos considering he popularized the food review video genre. The problem with a lot of these videos, is that the person giving the review is just some dork sitting in a car. It is not like we are talking about trained chefs, food reviewers etc. They are just regular folks. Which, I am guessing is what they are playing off of to lend their reviews some sort of weight. Just a regular-ass dude, ya know? Nothin’ fancy! Great so then why the fuck am I paying attention to you? I can eat nachos also. It’s not a skill, Skeeter. If your math professor told you that they had no formal training in teaching or in mathematics but that they’re “just an honest, regular person who adds and subtracts from time to time” you would have gotten up and walked out. I hate to say this as well, but it is just a matter of time before one of these people either nearly or fully chokes to death on camera. Eating alone in a car isn’t the most dangerous thing in the world to do, but it is not without its risks and frankly, I don’t want to see any of these people get hurt even if they annoy me. Next time you see someone filming themselves eating in their car, employ radical sophistication. Knock on their window and ask them if they are ok. When they tell you that they’re just filming a video… let them know how many people die of choking each year and that they ought to be careful. Maybe it will lead them to a re-evaluation of self. Being polite and spreading life-saving information is the pinnacle of sophistication.

The crown jewel of the downward trajectory of society, however? Italian American stereotype influencers. I have Italian friends. These clowns have done more to hurt Italian Americans than all of the over-the-top mob movies and hatred of Christopher Columbus combined. Again, I have some good friends who are Italian, and their take is a lot less vitriolic than mine. Possibly because they are closet fans, but to hear them tell it, it is because they know better than to pay attention. Still, they deserve better. Can you imagine the absolute rage that would take you over if you were standing in line at a bank and heard that “ha ya dunnnnnn” line behind you? Not sure it wouldn’t lead to fisticuffs. Radical sophistication would dictate that these people ought to be met with societal ostracization. It should be an act of Congress. Interacting with them in any way should be met with a significant fine and possible jail time. Is St. Helena still available for exile? If not, can we make it so?

Fight fire with water and fight classlessness with biting satire and spite. Thanks for coming to my TED talk.


Radical Sophistication

The Pilgrims Revisited (A Quick One)

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Two years ago, I wrote a piece called, “The Pilgrims Were Jerks.” I want to amend that statement after some more research and basic soul searching.

One of the most annoying traits of the new generation of the perpetually whiny and misinformed, is their aptness to belittle the people of the past based on the societal sensibilities of the present. I have been guilty of this, and I am guessing you have as well. Now, this does not mean that all previous sins are excusable, nor should they be forgotten. But within the context of modern analytics of historical people and events, one must wonder why all of the good that a person or group did is immediately discounted when their characters are found lacking by a modern audience. I think it’s actually rather blatant what is happening. In a nutshell, it is the destruction of one historical commentary to make way for another in the mechanics of the post-modernist idea that the west is horrifying, and at the core of all the world’s problems. I don’t want to get into why that is a blatant fallacy and an example of being intellectually lazy right now. Just pointing out the obviousness of the motives.

I previously wrote about how ornery, disagreeable, pig-headed and generally lousy the pilgrims were. To reiterate, they were all of those things and more. But, thinking about it now, how could they not have been? In order to undertake what they did, they would have had to be.

When they initially absconded from England to Lydon in Holland, they set up shop working as hard as they could. Even then, in the relatively welcoming and tolerant Holland, they wanted something of their own. Even then, in the relatively welcoming and tolerant Holland, William Bradford still printed and smuggled seditious pamphlets criticizing King James in an attempt to rally the Church of England into forcing further reforms. These people were not just satisfied to find a place to blend in and become part of the background, they wanted action. They gathered as much money as they could, purchased a ship, The Speedwell and hired another, The Mayflower and lit out for what was at that time, a largely mythologized, and misunderstood land. They eventually had to head back to England to unload Speedwell’s cargo and passengers onto Mayflower and headed back out to sea. Today, we complain about the amount of leg room we get on planes and trains. These folks were crammed into the 5-foot-tall hold of a Dutch cargo fluyt, along with livestock and all of their possessions and were told to hang out until they got to a country that was the equivalent of what everyday folks today know about Mars.

This is why I must apologize to the memory of these people for my previous post on the pilgrims. They sailed 9 weeks to get to what is now Cape Cod. They got here in November when it is either bar b q weather or a complete tundra. They died by the score. They scrounged around. They explored. They absolutely did steal seed corn from the native tribes. They absolutely did disturb Native American graves. They absolutely, without a doubt, did some awful things. But here is the kicker; who the hell am I to call them jerks? What have I done that is even a fraction as daring and consequential as what they did? What have you or I done that places us so much farther up the ledger than these folks that it would afford us the right to look down, spit and wipe them away from history? I think a little humility when it comes to analyzing ourselves wouldn’t hurt any of us. Does this mean that we cannot judge the actions of the people of the past? Of course not. But what it does mean, is that we cannot simply render judgement on history without taking into consideration motive, method, modern by-product, and the human element in its socio-historical context. If we do, we are no more than movie critics that write for the school paper.

In the end, the lasting legacy of the pilgrims is tricky for a lot of folks. They most certainly were “jerky”, but I won’t call them jerks anymore. This year, I plan on raising a glass to their memory and say a quick prayer for their courage, perseverance, industriousness, faith and adaptability. Even if they themselves would have probably hanged me for being Catholic.

The Pilgrims Revisited (A Quick One)

The Pilgrims Were Jerks

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Whilst discussing the importance of religious freedom today, the pilgrims became the topic of conversation. I suppose because of the time of year it was inevitable. I do not pretend to be an expert on the pilgrims. I have watched some documentaries and read some books. I’ve thumbed through William Bradford’s journal. So I can say that I know a little bit about them but again, far from an expert. First off; these people were ballsy. Plain and simple. I understand that they were basically religious psychopaths but you can’t deny that what they did took a hell of a lot of guts. They were much tougher than you or I and for that, they deserve a little street cred. The pilgrims were also a big bunch of ornery doofuses. So allow me to explain why.

1. Everyone hated them.


When they petitioned King James I for permission to sail to the new world and establish a colony, James couldn’t say “YES!” fast enough. They weren’t even living in England at the time! Let that sink in. That is how much this guy and basically every other English person hated these people. They were in Holland and apparently that wasn’t far away enough for James. At this time the Dutch were basically doing that thing you do when you are hosting a party and you want people to leave. You know what I mean? That thing where you start saying things like, “Alright well this was awesome, guys.” One time I literally had to tell people to go home. We had a party and no one looked like they were ready to leave so I straight up told my party guests, made up mainly of my friends, to go home. That’s basically where Holland was at with these folks by 1620. They’d only been there a few years but that was more than enough for people who think wooden shoes are a good idea to see these drips as a bad one. James tells them; ‘take a charter and go start a colony. If you are successful, great! More money for me and you people are across an ocean. If you fail, great! Failure means that you’re all dead and that’s A-OK in my book.” So they went to the New World.

2. The Mayflower / Lack of Imagination.

Here’s your choice. Two hours on the Mayflower or ten minutes in Hell? Honestly; it’s a toss up. There were two ships originally. The Mayflower and the Speedwell. The Speedwell started taking on water so the pilgrims that were aboard her transferred to the Mayflower. So it was overflowing with smelly, angry zealots. Fun. Apparently the Master of the Mayflower, Christopher Jones, even remarked on how they were shitty people. Stuck in the hold of a Dutch cargo fluyt with all the farting and burping and bad breath and sweaty pits of a group of people that no one in Europe would have pissed on if they were on fire, yeah no thanks. A little boy was born aboard the ship. They named him Oceanus. They named him this because they were on the Ocean and they were bereft of any sort of creativity. Don’t believe me? When they got here, they named every town after towns in England. They didn’t even attempt to come up with their own place names. Here is a short list of towns in my state. New London, Manchester, Derby, Redding, Greenwich, Norwich, Stratford, Bristol, Avon, Fairfield, Milford, Wethersfield, etc. No imagination whatsoever. Anyway, they were crappy travelers by all accounts. That smell though… I can’t even think about it without cringing.

3. They Had No Sense of Direction

They were supposed to land at the mouth of the Hudson river, which was the very northern edge of the Jamestown colony but they ended up in Massachusetts because like everyone that would eventually come from Mass., they were lazy and confused. Actually, the captain of the Mayflower basically just wanted to dump these creeps off of his ship so he could hightail it back to England. Can you blame him? Imagine being the captain of a cargo vessel that decides that it’d be alright to take a living cargo across the ocean. Now imagine that the cargo is going to spend the entire time telling you how you are going to hell for sneezing on the sabbath. They end up on Cape Cod, piss off the native tribes to the point where they have to leave within like a month. Sound’s about right. They head across the bay and BAM! Plymouth Rock, baby. The rest as they say, is history.

4. They Thanked God for Everything

What’s wrong with that? Well nothing, really. Although it becomes a problem when you start thanking God for things like the ability to rob graves and steal corn. “Dear Lord, thank you so much for allowing us to force a family into starvation next growing season. You are the best!” It is no secret that they were religious zealots but they took the whole “God wills it” thing to a new and disturbing level. They justified all of their shittiness on God willing it. I am fairly certain God wasn’t cool with nearly 90% of what these folks did but hey, it worked for them.


In the end it’s easy to crap on people 400 years in the past. They’re not around to defend themselves. We cannot take away the fact that what they did took real courage. Leaving everything you’ve ever known behind for a place far away that you know very little about takes some serious guts. For that, I doff my cap. Also, engraining the idea of freedom of and from religion in the bones of what would become the United States of America is pretty cool. So yeah I guess we can thank them for that as well.

But they were still jerks. Luckily some Catholics eventually came over and gave this place some spice.

To the pilgrims… you guys had some cojones. But man, you were jerks.

The Pilgrims Were Jerks