Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a cat person. I have always had cats and hopefully always will. I don’t hate dogs, I don’t even dislike dogs. Dogs and I have an understanding. I acknowledge their existence and in turn they leave me alone. We like it that way. Eventually, this is going to come back to bite me, literally, as my daughter dreams of the day we can get a dog. I told her that we cannot have a dog at the moment while we have a cat and she gets it, but she is less than thrilled. So, eventually I am betting that we will have some mutt wandering around my house stinking it up. Am I looking forward to it? No. Is there anything I can do about it? No. It is what it is.

There has always been an argument between dog and cat folk. Which animal is the better pet, which is the better animal, which is easier, etc. etc. I am biased, obviously. However, I will try to do my best to lay out the pros and cons of both animal in order to finally, once and for all end the debate. I take this monumental burden upon myself for your benefit. It is a labor of love and before you even say it; you’re welcome. I really am too good to you.

Dogs PROS

1. Loyal. Almost to a fault. Dogs are so loyal that you could beat your dog with a length of garden hose, and it will still snuggle up to you afterwards. Why? Loyalty, dammit! That and an almost pathetic dependence on human beings for everything from food to water to a place to make boom booms. Take a look at a wolf. Now, take a look at the dog you have traipsing around your house. The only question that should pop into your head is this; “what have we done?” As a species we have taken a majestic, resourceful, ruthless survivor and turned it into FDR. “Please change my blankie and get me a treat.” Even though dogs are essentially the melonheads of the animal world due to overbreeding, that sense of loyalty is wonderful. They are great guards. They are great babysitters (when they are not attempting to eat the children). They are great friends. They really are awesome in this respect, so it is absolutely a plus.
2. They’re Social. A dog without a family to play with is a coyote. Dogs love to fetch I am told, and they also like to go for walks. I like to go for walks, so we have that in common. Dogs like to hang out with their families and lie around by crackling fireplaces. They also frolic in leaf piles and have been known to even go swimming. I remember a great swimming dog from pop culture. Its name was Pippit and he was a gorgeous black lab that was fond of playing fetch on the strand of Amity Island beach back in the Summer of ’75. He was a good boy. Dogs are way more social than cats. Not even close, dogs win this round.

Dogs CONS

1. They Smell Bad. Yeah, they do. Can’t blame them as they need to be washed and if their owners are busy, good luck. For this reason, they can really reek up a house quickly. My daughter used to babysit for a family that had stank-ass dogs. When I would pick her up from a gig, she would stink up my car with the smell of sweaty, dirty canine. She loathed that gig for that reason and when we got home she would immediately shower and throw her clothes in the laundry. You don’t have that problem with cats. Big con here and the first reason I run to when I have the dog conversation with my wife. A conversation that I will continue to have until the big day of purchase or adoption arrives.
2. “Dog People”. Let’s be clear here. Not every dog owner is a “dog person.” Dog-people are folks who say things like, “Ew I hate cats!” Which, by the way, is something you rarely ever hear a cat person say about dogs. Hating a domesticated animal seems wildly unhinged to me. Anyway, Dog-people are the ones who laboriously post on social media about the need to adopt over purchasing a dog. Which I have never understood. If a dog is pure-bred, does that mean it deserves to be neglected and forgotten in favor of a Mutt? Why? To teach breeders a lesson at the expense of an innocent animal? What these folks don’t understand, is that the paradigm shift they are hoping for can only come about on the graves of an untold number of pure-bred, unwanted dogs. Way to go I guess?
3. Sometimes They Try to Eat Kids. I can hear it now, “it’s the owwwwnnnners fault.” Why is this defense so prevalent when a dog, literally bred to be hyper aggressive and fight until it dies, mauls or kills someone yet it is always the gun’s fault when some psychotic POS murders a bunch of people? Something to think about there. I can also hear; “oh but you should see my ______, he / she is such a sweetiepie!” Yeah, I am sure they are up until they attempt murder a kid. Every single owner of a highly aggressive breed of dog involved in a mauling or killing always says the same tired crap after the fact; “they’ve never acted that way before.” No kidding! We all figured that you had to keep your dog at bay with a long sharp stick at all times in your house. I just assumed that bedtime at your house was a living hell, consisting of you trying to get down the hallway while your dog either blocked the bedroom with gnashing teeth and lifeless eyes or you running for your life to your room with Kujo in hot pursuit. Look, people, If I throw a rubber duck into a swamp, a lab will instinctively retrieve the duck and hold it in its jaws in a manner that would not do serious damage to the duck. Everyone would respond; “yes, that is what they are bred to do.” If I throw a cabbage patch doll into the back of a pit-bull’s head, it will proceed to rip it to pieces and eat it. Unfortunately, some will actually have the gall to respond; “hm, well would you look at that. No idea where that came from!” Why do you think they match pitbulls with parolees? It’s so if the dog eats the felon society won’t be too upset. Eating people is a hug con.

Cats – PROS

1. They Require Very Little Work. Litter boxes are gnarly, I have to admit. However, if you get a scoop and some clumping litter, it isn’t as awful as it can be. You put out some dry food for your cat, a water dish and some wet food once or twice a day and you, my lazy friend, are done. There have been full days where I don’t see my cat at all. I have actually had to go searching to see if he had gotten out somehow or that he was dead. Sometimes, the search would bear no feline fruit and I would just go to bed hoping for the best. Inevitably, he’s on the bed in the morning, or cleaning a paw downstairs by his food dish. Where he was, what he was doing for the past 24 hours; a complete mystery. I respect that. Definitely a pro for the pet lover who is also either busy or lazy. I am both.
2. They Choose Their People. Cats are not all that affectionate. In fact, they can be major curmudgeons. That being said, they choose their people and if you are lucky enough to be one of them, it feels pretty damn good. Imagine the prettiest girl/boy in your school kissed you. Wouldn’t that have felt awesome? You’d wear that like a badge of honor. Now imagine that same boy or girl kissing everyone. Where is that special moment now? Where a dog will love everyone, a cat will size you up and make up its own mind as to whether or not you make the grade. I can see how this is a turn off for some people. Why expose yourself to possible rejection from an animal that used to be used for the purpose of killing mice? I get that. But it is a risk I am willing to take in pet ownership. If I wanted an animal that entertained me on command and only existed at my pleasure, I would get one of those mounted talking fish. Cats have a huge pro here.
3. They’re Awesome. They really are remarkable little balls of fur. They are quiet, lazy and uninterested. Until you introduce a string or a laser pointer. Then they become absolute maniacs willing to risk life or limb to destroy that damn string or that little dot of light. They move at lightning speed and are deadly accurate with their attack paws which become little clusters of Ginsu knives that retract and spring out like switchblades. Pretty cool. They also kill mice. Yesterday morning I woke up to the sound of my cat having far too much fun chasing and batting at something in the bedroom. I knew immediately what it was. I woke up, looked over and there was my little psychopath. Eyes beaming, body of a very dead mouse at his feet. “Look, Dad… look what I did. Cool huh? You like it, Dad? It’s dead. I liked it. I’d do it again. I want to do it again. Dad, can I kill for you?” …. Sure, little murderer… go forth and do your unholy business.

Cats – CONS

1. They tend to barf a lot. Yeah, they do. They also eat balloon strings and then proceed to walk around with a string hanging out of their ass for days afterwards. Sometimes you have to take them to the vet and it costs you a lot of money. If it’s not coming out that end, it’s coming out the other. This is just a gross part of cat ownership and frankly, I don’t blame people for shying away from it for this reason.
2. That’s it. They’re just awesome.

So, there you have it, folks. I have ended the debate and I think it is pretty clear who wins. In case you are still having trouble gleaning which animal I believe to be superior; I will spell it out for you now: whichever one you like. Whatever floats your boat is the better choice. It is pet owners who spend their time crapping on another species of animal because they prefer a different one who are the real losers here. So, throw that tennis ball or that ball of paper. Enjoy the little furry dopes because they aren’t here nearly long enough.