Greetings, dear reader. Yes, you read that headline correctly but hear me out; I had a good reason. What do I mean by “prancing around” and more importantly, what do I mean by “lunatic”? Both excellent questions and both easily answered. By prancing around I mean I sort of marched around with a haughty expression in an exaggerated  and downright bizarre manner, back and forth in the my backyard and by lunatic I mean I was wearing a long white wig that I’d borrowed from my 13 year old’s Halloween costume, my father’s fedora, my wife’s fuzzy, shawl, blanket thingy around my shoulders all while carrying the Betsy Ross American flag in a truly patriotic and majestic manner. Think ‘Spirit of ’76’ if it were being acted out by a total imbecile. But why? Well, why not?

Last Christmas I bought my father a motion activated trail camera because when I moved my whole family to our current town I had no idea that I was in fact moving us to Yellowstone. Within the first week of living in our new home the police stopped by and gave us a packet of info about the local animals and what to do if we should encounter them. Here is a quick rundown:

Skunk: slowly back away

Raccoon: slowly back away

Possum: slowly back away

Fox: slowly back away

Bobcat: slowly back away

Bear: make a lot of noise, slowly back away, buy new pants if you survive

Mountain Lion: die with dignity

Anywho, we have heard a bunch of strange noises in our yard in the evenings and while we live in a woodsy enclave which some might call rustic, we are not rustic enough that the noises were made by meth addicts. Maybe they were. So I got him a trail camera. It took him a while to mount the thing but now it is up in all its glory. The first night it was on; bupkis. Nothing. Not a single creepy crawly of the night. Which while disappointing is probably the most desirable outcome. The next night however, I decided to give the old man a thrill. I discussed the idea with my mother and after some convincing she was on board. So I put on the most ridiculous getup I could piece together and I marched back in forth in front of the camera in the moonlight. Wondering the entire time what someone might think if they were to look out their window. Luckily, our neighbors are far enough away and we are separated by a good number of trees. That being said; if you do a three point turn in someone’s driveway in this town or walk your dog down a street you don’t live on there is a better than even shot that you will be Public Enemy Number One in the eyes of every single busy-body shithead on the Facebook neighborhood pages dedicated to the town and on Nextdoor.

So I did my thing. And boy o boy was I excited for the next morning. My parents have a gorgeous, separate in-law apartment attached to our house so it goes without saying that we are a close-knit crew around the old homestead. Cracking wise and playing harmless jokes from time to time on each other is the norm. When my family finally awoke and I related what I had done the previous evening to them, they were excited to see my father’s reaction. I made scrambled eggs, bacon, toast, coffee… the whole nine yards. This was a morning of TRIUMPH! And we were to eat like royalty. Or at least diner royalty. So mid-way through the meal we see my Dad come outside and walk towards the camera. We crowded around the large bay window that looks out over the back yard and waited in giggling anticipation. He opened the camera and was looking at the small display screen on the inside! Here it comes! AND THERE IT IS!!! He sorta… shook his head. I figured he was muttering something about me being a dork. I was pretty damn proud of myself. I couldn’t wait to confront him and see the look of jocular incredulity on his face when I began laughing like a hyena. I waited for him to return to the house and I went to head to their apartment the minute I heard their door shut. I knocked, smiling to myself. Walked in and asked “well… see anything interesting on the camera” in a truly shit-eating tone.

Quoth my father: “Nah, it wasn’t on. It was set for the wrong time cycle. I have to reprogram it.”

Fin.