I have neglected this blog for far too long. In fact, almost an entire calendar year. I had a lot on my mind. I was busy and I simply didn’t have time. So what has been taking up all my time you may be asking? Infectious disease. And let me tell you it is not pleasant. It is basically everything you think it is when you hear the words, “infectious disease.” I can’t even tell you how difficult it is to hang out with old friends when all they want to do is talk about their careers and their kids and all you want to talk about is infectious disease factoids and assorted infectious disease anecdotes. A living hell? You bet and quite frankly I’ve been having a rough time of it. When I decided to become an infectious disease buff I knew I would be trodding a dark path, however I thought it important to spread the word far and wide about “I.D.” as we infectious disease buffs call it. It is a labor of love so I am not throwing in the towel yet but in all honesty I am not sure how “in it” my heart is any longer. And call me lazy or self-conscious but I don’t know how many more times I can explain the same thing to the FBI without sounding kinda silly at this point.

Anywho; my wife and I were out driving around the other day. We decided to really examine the town we had moved to about a year and a half ago. Not going to tell you which town but think New England, bucolic, quaint, historic, sterile, puritanical, and stately. It is rather pretty in the Autumn and when it snows the Christmas lights on the ancient town green are truly something to behold. The Springs are mild. A little too mild, really and the Summers will melt your underwear to your thighs if you are exposed to the outdoors for more than a minute and a half. There are cute little festivals and fairs throughout the year. There are white Churches dating from the early 18th century. There are local stories about George Washington visiting an inn which is now a residence and encampments of soldiers on their way to fight the British Regulars. There are antique houses and antique shops and antique cars and antique people.

Sounds pretty cool, right?

Verdict: Sorta cool. it has its moments and overall it is tolerable.

You see, I grew up in a city. Albeit a relatively small city but a city nonetheless. In fact, I believe it is the fifth largest city in New England and the biggest city in Connecticut. So as you can imagine, it has been a bit of a culture shock and there has been a truly discernable adjustment period. Now some of you may read Yankee Magazine. Or have a serious interest in New England. Or saw Baby Boom once and thought to yourselves, “that looks so quaint.” Whatever it may be, let me peel back some of the pretty layers and give you some of the truth when it comes to what it is like to live in one of these towns. I do not hate my town in the least. These are just honest observations and I am sure I find some of them as bracing as I do because I am only just getting used to them.

1. Peace and Quiet. I mean, yes and no. When you live in a neighborhood where everyone has a decent sized lawn, you can be assured of one thing; the sound of lawn equipment from sun up to sun down from late April to mid October. And these folks live in these towns because they have some cash but are not flush enough to move down closer to the coast and spend big bucks on house prices and property taxes. Which are pretty damn high in our town. But that is another story. So because they have some money, they tend to spend it on things like; industrial tractors and lawn-equipment only really utilized on golf courses and cemeteries. So there is no such thing as the innocuous sound of a distant riding mower. Instead, you get the sound and decibel levels of a C-130 revving its turbo-props at full tilt. On a number of occasions we have had to cut our discussions on “I.D.” painfully short and retreat into the house. So those are days during the pleasant weather months. Night time is different as it really is sort of creepily quiet. While unnerving it offers excellent opportunities for restful, sound sleep and long, intricate discussions on I.D.
2. Friendliness. Well… us Yankees (and even though the rebs down south refer to anyone living above Maryland as a Yankee, a Yankee is a native of CT) aren’t exactly the nicest group. We just don’t really like anyone. That being said, the majority of us fall into two camps of extreme opposites. There are the, “I won’t thank you for holding the door open for me for all of the money in the world” jerks and then there are the, “thank you so much for holding the door open for me! Would you like a kidney? Or an even better idea, you look stressed so call me an ugly parasite and punch my jaw loose. Seriously, I don’t mind! Anything for you, big boy” crowd. There’s really no middle ground, “thank you” people. Which is fine. Our neighbors are super-friendly and as much as I am a total curmudgeon I can’t make fun of that. It was bracing at first however because I am not used to that and I really don’t know how to act around friendly strangers other than by smiling politely while frantically searching for an escape route. Still, this one is hard to explain to someone who is not from here because this issue is not native to my town. It is an issue that is sort of an epidemic which stretches from New Jersey to Maine. Much like an I.D.!
3. Hicks. I have no problem with the fine men and women who utilize their back muscles and hands and get an honest day’s work done by the time I am having my lunch. If you are a farmer, tree-cutter, landscaper, etc. I salute you for doing a job that I would never do unless I was forced at gunpoint to do it. Not because I am incapable, but because I am a down-state, NYC Metropolitan area city boy who is rather dainty. I will never poop on the work that these people do. However, I will poop on the aesthetic that a lot of these folks, especially the men adopt. Your country-boy, Jeff Foxworthy worshipping, bearded, pickup truck driving, Travis Tritt listening, Confederate flag waving asses aren’t fooling anyone. You’re from CT, not NC. You know the type. The type of guys who still wear their cellphones in outside-the-belt cases and think that being a volunteer fireman is akin to being a Syrian White Helmet. The kinda guys who share memes that say things like, “you must be a special kind of stupid”. The majestic, North Eastern Hick. Their habitat is wide and varied but you can usually see them congregating around places that sell cheap hamburgers and Home Depot. They always smell like a wood fire and the married ones have those stupid black titanium wedding bands. Because nothing tells the world that you love your wife and your marriage like wearing a ring that looks as though it was made in someone’s spare time at the bottom of a coal mine. In the end, these dudes are harmless. Unless you consider spitting chaw into an empty Sprite bottle harmful. Which, it sorta is. Much like I.D.
4. Culture. Yeah, if you want culture, as in arts and music, you are going to have to head afield. We have a library. So that’s something. I think some of the restaurant bars have karaoke once a week. There is a Summer concert series on the town green but let’s face it; unless it’s either a Tony Bennett impersonator or a Foghat cover band, no one in this town is flocking to the green. Here is the thing; the town also has its fair share of yuppies. You would think that youth and money would denote an underlying current of artistic and creative curiosity. This just ain’t so where I live. In fact, it seems to be a magnet for that one segment of yuppies who aren’t interested in those sorts of things. Which is disheartening but in the end it isn’t that big a deal. It would just be nice for someone like me, (a pretentious, pompous blow-hard) to be able to talk about things going on in town with no real intention of ever even bothering to check them out on my own. Much like I.D.
5. Flora and Fauna. I don’t like the woods. They are creepy and that is why creepy animals live there. Things that will eat you or chase you or chase you and then eat you. We have bears, coyotes, bobcats, fisher cats, possums, raccoons, foxes and according to the police we also have mountain lions but I think that might be BS. Either way, I don’t want to find out. Our first week here we received a packet from the police department outlining all the creatures we may encounter. This is not optimal for a guy like me who is cool with cats, tolerates dogs and looks at people with pet birds and snakes like the absolute freaks that they are. So I keep a high powered rifle near the sliding doors that lead out to my back deck. I think it is illegal to discharge a weapon within the town but if it comes down to it I do not mind paying the fine if it means that I won’t be torn asunder by a rabid bear. Do bears get rabies? Another I.D. discussion to be had, methinks.

So that’s that. The town has great schools and is relatively safe so it is serving its purpose I suppose. The wife and I have already decided that once the kids are grown and out on their own we are putting the house on the market and high-tailing it back to the water where I grew up and she feels the most at home. It works for now. If you want to come check it out, don’t. We don’t want no outsiders coming around and making trouble. But if you would like to meet up and check out my newsletter on I.D. I think we can make that work.