In about twenty years, the criminal as we know it will be extinct. Regardless of crime syndicate affiliation, race, creed, sex, nationality, they will all go the way of the Dodo. So rest assured that eventually one day, you will be able to roam the streets without a care in the world. No longer will you have to scoot from behind trash can to behind trash can on your way to the chiropodist. The days of desperately trying not to breathe too audibly while you press yourself up against the wall of some darkened alley in a vain attempt to lose the two criminal-types that were walking behind you in CVS are to soon come to an end. Eventually, and yes I do mean this, you will be able to leave the mace, pepper spray, butterfly knife, Glock 19 and baseball bat with nails sticking out of it at home when all you want to do is go out to grab a copy of Cracked.

How do I know this?

Easy. Today’s generation is frigging stupid. A few days ago, a horrific video surfaced of four black teens torturing a special-needs white teen. Let’s leave the racial / hate crime / disgusting nature of the act out of it and focus on the fact that these teens were caught because they chose to live stream it. They actually thought it would be a good idea to capture a crime on video. Because that is obviously a stellar plan. Clearly, beating on a person for their race is abhorrent. Clearly, taking advantage of a special-needs person is abhorrent. Clearly, these four teens are too stupid to exist. It is to be hoped that prison will take care of that. (I’ll go to Confession this weekend)

Anywho, we can take solace in the truth that today’s new generation of miscreants is obviously too stupid for crime. Which is good for all of us. I used to think that teens spent too much time on their phones and on social media. I used to think that documenting your every movement during the day was pathetic. Now I see that narcissism, boredom, stupidity and a few hundred dollars worth of plastic with a built-in camera is actually good for society. Maybe, just maybe, one day we won’t have to hermetically seal ourselves into our bedrooms each night with a ring of salt around our beds and at least four different alarms armed and ready. Maybe one day we will be able to sleep without having to set our alarm clocks to 20 minute intervals for a quick sweep of the house armed to the teeth with full body armor.

Wait, you guys don’t do that?