My fellow Americans,

I write to you today after the whirlwind which was yesterday after I announced my candidacy for President of the United States of America. It was truly wonderful to receive so many calls, texts, emails and Facebook pokes from so many supportive people. You are the reason why we are going to win this thing.

Today I have an equally exciting announcement to make.

Yesterday, after the flurry of activity died down, I was able to take a breath and start asking myself the incredibly important question; who will accompany me on this journey to the highest office in the land? Which man or woman has the guts, the integrity, the values and the regional sensibilities which seem to be so important to Americans at this moment. After prayer, discussion and reflection, I am pleased to announce I have chosen a running mate and they have accepted the challenge.

May I present my running mate, should I achieve the Republican nomination for president…

 

Correct, ladies and gentlemen! May I introduce you to the next Vice President of these United States; Mr. Joseph Bologna in the 1971 classic, ‘Made for Each Other.’ Not Mr. Bologna of 1971’s ‘Made for Each Other,’ Mr. Bologna in 1971’s, ‘Made for Each Other.’ 1971 Mr. Bologna has everything that Trump supporters want, in spades! This is a war ladies and gentlemen and I need all the votes I can get! Even if that means pandering to the front runner’s constituency.

Let me run down a list of 1971 Mr. Bologna from, ‘Made for Each Other’s qualifications.

1. Made for Each Other was a relatively successful movie and launched the career of Mr. Bologna. Only winners like guys with great careers. Don’t you want to be a winner?
2. As a native of Brooklyn, 1971 Mr. Bologna has a true idea of, “New York Values.”
3. Even better, 1971 New York values.
4. Bad hair which may be a piece.
5. In the movie, he is volatile and ornery.
6. In the movie, he knows nothing about the world outside of his very own little circle of human interaction. Much like Donald Trump!

So, you see my fellow Americans, this is an enormous boost for our campaign. The avalanche of Trump supporters jumping on the Melnikov ticket after this announcement will most assuredly be enough to put us over the top in November!

Thank you for your continued support.

God Bless America, Me and 1971 Joseph Bologna from, ‘Made for Each Other.’

John