My dear fellow Americans,

I have a big announcement to make. After weeks and weeks of soulful introspection and conversation with my family, I am officially announcing my candidacy for President of the United States. 

A Call to Action: 

It is time for every American who still has a shred of dignity left to understand that we are going to face a choice this November which will force us to choose between the lesser of two ultimate evils. To choose between the two living, breathing epitomes of everything that is currently wrong with our beloved country. This is a daunting prospect. It is time to mobilize and put a real man with vision into the White House. A man who can get things done by being so painfully overbearing that even the most egregious examples of Washington obduracy will wither and break in front of a never-ending onslaught of condescension and sarcastic ridicule. I am that man.

A Message to Trump Supporters: 

No, you are not part of a revolution. You are confused and have been taken in by a charlatan. You are easily manipulated and America’s punchline for the past 20+ years has suckered you into buying into a platform that you know will not bear fruit in this great land. You are angry at a Republican establishment that has let you down. You are upset with the anti-American rhetoric that has become the norm around the campuses of our institutions of higher learning and in our liberal media. You are slightly afraid of brown people. You are misrepresented! You have refinement. You consider yourself a foody when you order steamed dumplings instead of fried from Panda 5. You can tell the difference between Sutter Home and Gallo white zinfandel. You have culture! You hang your coat on a hook, dammit! An actual hook. Like a fish hook that you rigged up yourself. Because you were too smart to let the candy-assed kid at the Home Depot fleece you out of a hard earned $3.95. Yeah, he talked a good game and mentioned that your fish hook idea might leave you with some unwanted holes and just sounded dangerous, but what does he know?  And one time, you saw a guy do a wheelie on a Suzuki on T.V. Yes, you are well-rounded individuals with a bone to pick with the establishment. But my brothers and sisters; there is still plenty of hope for you. You will be welcomed back into the fold like the prodigal son returning after taking his father’s love for granted. I will throw my blanket of acceptance over you after showering you with ridicule. I will tell you exactly what your aching and rattled sensibilities need to hear. All the while looking down at you with the utmost contempt. Not because I dislike you but because I figure you’d be used to it by now and I want to facilitate an easy transition for you. I am just that nice.

A Message to Hillary Supporters:

I will speak to you in your native tongue and then I will translate for the benefit of the readers who don’t. Gartack molok umnoya heyvar grimnok sperachtkana malashayat beerdrak gorgoth arglhath! ‘The dark lord hath abandoned his servant and thrown her to the slaves of the darkest chambers of the Kingdom of Sorrows! Wriggle free from her grasp or suffer the same!’ Ok, now that I have your attention we can talk. She is the political equivalent of a fire alarm right before you sit down to lunch. In a blizzard. She doesn’t care about you or the country as much as she cares about claiming her consolation prize for stepping down in ’08. There is not a single thing that woman has said in the past twenty years that has made any sense. You have been stuck with her. Some of you wanted Bernie but then again some people think Pepsi is better than Coke. The majority of you don’t want to vote for her. And I am here to tell you that you don’t have to. I offer you the same loving acceptance that I offered to the Trumpkins. Brothers and sisters, I am the safest safe space in the world. I will shield you from the horrors of free speech and different ideas. I will make the bad noises go away. I will welcome you with open arms. I will make all of your dreams come true and to facilitate a seamless transition from supporting Hillary, I will wear pants every day for the next year. Even in the Summer. Shhhh, sleep now little one. It’s all going to be ok. I pwomise.

What I am proposing: 

Now that I have won you all over. I am proposing that you, dear reader, write my name onto your ballot this November. Take a picture and then email it to me so I have an idea of how many votes I received. Then, I will be able to tell people, “people voted for me” for years to come. Anything more than a single vote equals a collective. “People voted for me” sounds a lot better than, “I voted for myself.” This candidacy will offer the opportunity to make unfunny jokes and quips, all based on fact! People voted for me, dagnabbit! This candidacy is all about me and what I get out of it. I figured I’d be like Trump and Clinton. It seems to be working for them.

God Bless the United States of America and God Bless Me.

Yours,

John