Son or Daughter,

I want to explain a little bit of what life was like right before your mother and I got married in an attempt to make you understand what daddy means when he says, “the old America.” I know it sounds like I am just rattling on and on and waxing poetic about the time when your mother and I were young. But trust me when I say, this place used to be great. Let me tell you about some of the things that we had. Things that you’ll never get to enjoy, unfortunately.

1. Guns: I know you’ve seen police carrying them and pictures of our armed forces in action and I know you’ve seen daddy’s guns in the safe downstairs. But let me tell you, they used to be so much fun to shoot. What a fantastic way to defend yourself, your home and your loved ones. What happened was, during President Hillary Clinton’s first term, she decided to make guns incredibly difficult for law-abiding citizens to purchase. In fact, she even tried to ban handguns! Once the manufacturers started to lose enormous amounts of money, they either folded or downsized drastically. The ones that stayed alive started to produce weapons that only the super wealthy could afford. To make up for the loss of business the ammunition producers made their product ridiculously expensive and no one can afford to go shooting. Eventually sales were so restricted and the prices were so high that no one noticed when all of a sudden they became by and large illegal. I know that the criminals still have them and that seems unfair. But you are learning a valuable lesson. Whenever the government tells you they are acting in your own best interest; you are going to be put at a disadvantage. There are no more ranges or places to shoot. But let me tell you, it was a lot of fun.
2. Free Speech: Believe it or not, there used to be a time when you could say whatever you wanted in this country. I know, I know it sounds like I’m crazy but you could. Yes, people still got angry if they disagreed and yes sometimes people said absolutely awful, hurtful things. But it was wonderful. If you wanted to purposely hurt someone’s feelings, you could. If you wanted to extol the virtues of a horrific doctrine, you could. If you wanted to discuss what dangerously out-of-whack philosophy you believed was best for the country, you could. Openly. How could that be wonderful, you ask? See, the best part about it was that because of freedom of speech you could make up your own mind about things. The dangerous wackos were easy to spot because of it. Now we don’t know who to trust or to watch. Everyone is so quiet. I hope we don’t learn a harsh lesson about how much more dangerous silence can be than words, but I suspect that we probably will.
3. Christianity: This was one of my favorites. I know we still have it but did you know, back when your mother and I were younger, people weren’t afraid to talk about it? You could announce proudly that you had just come from Mass and not worry about being asked to leave whatever building or public space you were in because you were making people uncomfortable. It was a wonderful time. Much like everything else, there were people who were obnoxious about it. Some people even used it to make money and fly in the face of everything that Jes… whoops, I almost said His name, sorry again, his name taught us not to do. But much like free speech, it allowed us to examine who was honest and truthful in their efforts and who was just out to make a buck. I know you’ve read a lot about Christianity in your Crimes of Western Civilization class but I tell you this; the Crusades and the KKK do not define Christianity. Love and charity and the feeling we used to get when we were allowed to openly thank God in public for blessings defined it. Don’t believe every professor you have. They grew up listening to Nirvana, just like me.

So now, you may be asking; what happened? Why didn’t your generation try to stop it?

We tried. Desperately. We had the perfect opportunity to solidify a future for you where you’d be able to enjoy all of the things you’re missing out on. Unfortunately, there was an election where people let their emotions get the better of them. They bought into populism and in a moment of reckless abandon chose to let the lunatics run the asylum. Because people are by and large weak, those who continued to fight dropped by the wayside and one by one joined the crowd. This could have all been forgiven. However, it became unforgivable when the crowd grew larger and their fervor grew more intense, all in the face of the fact that their candidate and their pseudo-revolution was doomed to fail. All of the data at the time pointed to a landslide against the crowd and their master. Still, they pushed on. What they chose not to see was the future; a complete collapse of the check and balance that a two-party or two ideology system of government provides. They couldn’t fathom the fallout of a loss, so they denied its possibility. Once they were soundly beaten, like all proud and overly confident vanquished people, they were punished by the victors. Their revolution was labeled as the high water mark for the conservative movement. After such a rise, their defeat could be nothing less than complete and lasting. The funny thing about it was that it had nothing to do with conservatism. And now we have the world we have today. And I’m sorry.

But trust me when I say;  we tried to fight against the crowd.  We really did.

My fellow Americans,

I write to you today after the whirlwind which was yesterday after I announced my candidacy for President of the United States of America. It was truly wonderful to receive so many calls, texts, emails and Facebook pokes from so many supportive people. You are the reason why we are going to win this thing.

Today I have an equally exciting announcement to make.

Yesterday, after the flurry of activity died down, I was able to take a breath and start asking myself the incredibly important question; who will accompany me on this journey to the highest office in the land? Which man or woman has the guts, the integrity, the values and the regional sensibilities which seem to be so important to Americans at this moment. After prayer, discussion and reflection, I am pleased to announce I have chosen a running mate and they have accepted the challenge.

May I present my running mate, should I achieve the Republican nomination for president…

 

Correct, ladies and gentlemen! May I introduce you to the next Vice President of these United States; Mr. Joseph Bologna in the 1971 classic, ‘Made for Each Other.’ Not Mr. Bologna of 1971’s ‘Made for Each Other,’ Mr. Bologna in 1971’s, ‘Made for Each Other.’ 1971 Mr. Bologna has everything that Trump supporters want, in spades! This is a war ladies and gentlemen and I need all the votes I can get! Even if that means pandering to the front runner’s constituency.

Let me run down a list of 1971 Mr. Bologna from, ‘Made for Each Other’s qualifications.

1. Made for Each Other was a relatively successful movie and launched the career of Mr. Bologna. Only winners like guys with great careers. Don’t you want to be a winner?
2. As a native of Brooklyn, 1971 Mr. Bologna has a true idea of, “New York Values.”
3. Even better, 1971 New York values.
4. Bad hair which may be a piece.
5. In the movie, he is volatile and ornery.
6. In the movie, he knows nothing about the world outside of his very own little circle of human interaction. Much like Donald Trump!

So, you see my fellow Americans, this is an enormous boost for our campaign. The avalanche of Trump supporters jumping on the Melnikov ticket after this announcement will most assuredly be enough to put us over the top in November!

Thank you for your continued support.

God Bless America, Me and 1971 Joseph Bologna from, ‘Made for Each Other.’

John

My dear fellow Americans,

I have a big announcement to make. After weeks and weeks of soulful introspection and conversation with my family, I am officially announcing my candidacy for President of the United States. 

A Call to Action: 

It is time for every American who still has a shred of dignity left to understand that we are going to face a choice this November which will force us to choose between the lesser of two ultimate evils. To choose between the two living, breathing epitomes of everything that is currently wrong with our beloved country. This is a daunting prospect. It is time to mobilize and put a real man with vision into the White House. A man who can get things done by being so painfully overbearing that even the most egregious examples of Washington obduracy will wither and break in front of a never-ending onslaught of condescension and sarcastic ridicule. I am that man.

A Message to Trump Supporters: 

No, you are not part of a revolution. You are confused and have been taken in by a charlatan. You are easily manipulated and America’s punchline for the past 20+ years has suckered you into buying into a platform that you know will not bear fruit in this great land. You are angry at a Republican establishment that has let you down. You are upset with the anti-American rhetoric that has become the norm around the campuses of our institutions of higher learning and in our liberal media. You are slightly afraid of brown people. You are misrepresented! You have refinement. You consider yourself a foody when you order steamed dumplings instead of fried from Panda 5. You can tell the difference between Sutter Home and Gallo white zinfandel. You have culture! You hang your coat on a hook, dammit! An actual hook. Like a fish hook that you rigged up yourself. Because you were too smart to let the candy-assed kid at the Home Depot fleece you out of a hard earned $3.95. Yeah, he talked a good game and mentioned that your fish hook idea might leave you with some unwanted holes and just sounded dangerous, but what does he know?  And one time, you saw a guy do a wheelie on a Suzuki on T.V. Yes, you are well-rounded individuals with a bone to pick with the establishment. But my brothers and sisters; there is still plenty of hope for you. You will be welcomed back into the fold like the prodigal son returning after taking his father’s love for granted. I will throw my blanket of acceptance over you after showering you with ridicule. I will tell you exactly what your aching and rattled sensibilities need to hear. All the while looking down at you with the utmost contempt. Not because I dislike you but because I figure you’d be used to it by now and I want to facilitate an easy transition for you. I am just that nice.

A Message to Hillary Supporters:

I will speak to you in your native tongue and then I will translate for the benefit of the readers who don’t. Gartack molok umnoya heyvar grimnok sperachtkana malashayat beerdrak gorgoth arglhath! ‘The dark lord hath abandoned his servant and thrown her to the slaves of the darkest chambers of the Kingdom of Sorrows! Wriggle free from her grasp or suffer the same!’ Ok, now that I have your attention we can talk. She is the political equivalent of a fire alarm right before you sit down to lunch. In a blizzard. She doesn’t care about you or the country as much as she cares about claiming her consolation prize for stepping down in ’08. There is not a single thing that woman has said in the past twenty years that has made any sense. You have been stuck with her. Some of you wanted Bernie but then again some people think Pepsi is better than Coke. The majority of you don’t want to vote for her. And I am here to tell you that you don’t have to. I offer you the same loving acceptance that I offered to the Trumpkins. Brothers and sisters, I am the safest safe space in the world. I will shield you from the horrors of free speech and different ideas. I will make the bad noises go away. I will welcome you with open arms. I will make all of your dreams come true and to facilitate a seamless transition from supporting Hillary, I will wear pants every day for the next year. Even in the Summer. Shhhh, sleep now little one. It’s all going to be ok. I pwomise.

What I am proposing: 

Now that I have won you all over. I am proposing that you, dear reader, write my name onto your ballot this November. Take a picture and then email it to me so I have an idea of how many votes I received. Then, I will be able to tell people, “people voted for me” for years to come. Anything more than a single vote equals a collective. “People voted for me” sounds a lot better than, “I voted for myself.” This candidacy will offer the opportunity to make unfunny jokes and quips, all based on fact! People voted for me, dagnabbit! This candidacy is all about me and what I get out of it. I figured I’d be like Trump and Clinton. It seems to be working for them.

God Bless the United States of America and God Bless Me.

Yours,

John

For the past few weeks, I have been trying to wrap my head around why social libertarians and those who have now been dubbed the ‘alt-right’ have been so incredibly receptive to Donald Trump. More to the point; why the more outspoken and respected commentators in those ranks have. Let me quickly say; if you do not know who Milo Yiannopoulos, Gavin McInnes, Steven Crowder etc. are, then this post will make little to no sense to you. In a nutshell; they are young, intelligent (at times brilliant) conservative social and political commentators. They hang around news outlets and editorial poobahs such as Rebel Media, Breitbart, Bill O’Reilly, Anthony Cumia, The Blaze and a few others.

I have isolated the three reasons why they are throwing caution to the wind, which I will break down here.

1. Its Fun. As someone who has made it a mission to whip things up on social media I can say that without a doubt; stirring up a hornet’s nest and then watching the hornets sting each other can be fun. Mostly. Sometimes the swarm you create can get out of hand. You lose control and people start getting personal. That is when you have to dial it back a bit and if need be, douse the flame completely. However, the vitriol and snark that is coming from the alt-right is most assuredly stoking the flames to a dangerous level. When the proverbial fire burns down your own house, you have to wonder if it was worth lighting in the first place. So why are they letting it get out of control? Easy…
2. There are a hell of a lot of people in this country who are sick and tired of being told what they can and can’t say. If the left had its way; we wouldn’t be constitutionally protected from saying ridiculous, inflammatory and sometimes downright hurtful things. Basically, the left doesn’t want us to act immature. Noble right? The problem is; acting immature or even being immature is subjective and it is not illegal in the United States. See; Ben Affleck. The blow back against this well-intentioned locomotion has been brutal and effective. The right or alt-right does not want a nation of idiots. It does not condone ignorance nor does it deny its existence. What it has a problem with; is the moralizing and lecturing which emanates from the pulpit of the liberal left. Remember when you were a child and you were told to quiet down? Whether you did or you didn’t the fact remains that 9 times out of 10, your first instinct was get louder. I am not suggesting that the alt-right is childish, I am however pointing out the fact that learned behavior can never trump initial instinct as far as our inner desires are concerned. But to run off of the question which ended the first point: don’t they care if the fire ends up engulfing them? Well…
3. Probably not. I think, in their better moments, the loudest talking heads on the alt-right spectrum would admit that if it were to all fall apart, they wouldn’t mind. The backbone of the current alt-right is a feeling of disenfranchisement from the GOP coupled with a massive distrust of the government and an absolute abhorrence for what modern liberalism espouses. If, within your own view, the entire system is beyond repair and you’re merely trying to implant a stop-gap in the White House until there is a paradigm shift in the United States, the end product of your work is inconsequential.

When you have nothing to lose, the game is easy. Regardless of whether or not Trump wins the nomination, the Milo’s of the world will always have an audience of angry, jaded conservatives and libertarians. I am in no way softening to Trump and the completely asinine future for the country that he has laid out in his talking points. However, it is a lot of fun to see liberals on the verge of apoplexy when the current populist wave overtakes their narratives and overshadows them at every turn. Milo and the gang are riding the aforementioned wave at the moment and are simultaneously fighting the absurd amount of absolute garbage that has been spewed from the left for years now. Admirable, yet ultimately self-destructive I’m afraid. What do I mean by, “absolute garbage?” Here’s an example. Ask yourself; would you or anyone else have considered your answer to the question, “should men who think they are women be allowed to use a female restroom?” controversial as recently as 5 years ago? No? Welcome to modern America.

Makes sense now, doesn’t it?